Ranking the Presidents my damn self: Hail to the Chef

Happy March 4th, everyone! In case you forgot, for 148 years, starting with John Adams in 1797, this was the traditional date the Chief Justice would swear into office the President of the United States.

And in case you forgot, we’ve got a new president. And depending on which AM radio stations you’re listening to, his name might be Something Hussein Something. Whatever.

Between Mrs. Tonto’s request that back on Jan. 20th I cook a special Inauguration Day dinner featuring selected items on President Obama's luncheon menu, and CSPAN ranking the presidents from worst (Buchanan) to first (Lincoln), and Ol’ Abe turning 200 a few weeks ago, and Washington turning 277 a couple weekends ago — the White House has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

Not to be outdone by Kimo Sabe’s recent college-campus-quality cyber-lecture about almost everything the Beatles ever burped or coughed …

… Here’s my list of the Presidents of the United States, from worst to first. (Hint: It might or might not seem eerily similar to CSPAN’s. I don’t really know, because I didn’t really read it.)

44. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)
Probably not the absolute worst president we’ve ever had, but tell that to the Joad family. And residents of Hooverville. And all those who pelted his motorcades with eggs and rotten fruit during the ’32 campaign. The final months of his lame-duck administration were so terrifying we eventually decided March 4 was too long to wait for a new president.

Favorite food: Corned beef hash with tomato sauce.

43. James Garfield (1881)
Got himself shot by some crazy guy inside a D.C. train station barely four months into his term. Lingered for 80 days before dying in his sickbed at the Jersey Shore of a heart attack, which was followed by blood poisoning and bronchial pneumonia. Died with a bullet still in his body because back in 1881, even though we were smart enough to invent a metal detector, we were still too dumb to realize that the brass coils in Garfield’s bed kept setting the damn thing off. Probably would have lived if several doctors hadn’t inserted their unsterilized fingers into the wound to probe for the bullet. Holy crap. This is wayyyy too depressing.

Think about this for a second: What was the quality of life like for the people who weren't president?!?

Favorite food: Bread (Again, just depressing.)

42. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869)
What was Lincoln thinkin? Ol’ Abe received so many death threats before his first inauguration that he snuck into D.C. in the middle of the night. So for his second term, Abe taps Andrew Johnson, a pro-union Southerner who promptly shows up drunk at the inauguration. As luck would have it, Lincoln becomes the first president to get assassinated, Johnson takes over and turns out to be a fervent white supremacist hell-bent on destroying Reconstruction. Oh yeah, and he got impeached.

Favorite food: Spanish-style stuffed eggplant. (Served by a Klansman.)

41. Barack Obama (2009 - present)
Don’t get all upset, kids, I voted for him. In fact, I even stuck one of his campaign signs in my lawn this past October, much to my neighbors' chagrin. But, he’s a president, and that means he’s gotta be on the list, even if my rankings are published a handful of weeks into his term. So that’s why he debuts on the charts a couple notches ahead of the guy who liked bread. It’s only fair. Time to get to work.

Favorite food: Chili.

40. James Buchanan (1857-1861)
A Northerner who sympathized with the South. Failed to avert the Civil War, which is cited by scholars as the single-worst failure by an American president. Despised abolitionists and was believed to be personally involved in the Supreme Court’s Dred Scott decision. Normally ranked last on most lists.

But hey, it could’ve been worse: Pat Buchanan could’ve been president.

Favorite food: Pennsylvania Dutch stuffed shoulder of pork. (Maybe it’s because I didn’t eat lunch today, but this sounds really yummy.)

39. Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
Man, this asshole really had us fooled, didn’t he? And I voted for him TWICE. First term inspired Rush Limbaugh’s and Newt Gingrich’s rise to power. Second term inspired Dubya to defeat the guy who invented the internet. Bubba's presence during the 2008 campaign inspired us to turn against his wife’s presidential bid. In sum, this guy is a horse’s ass.

Favorite food: Chicken enchiladas.

38. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841)
I dunno. He just sounds like a dopey president.

Favorite food: Huguenot torte.

37. Chester Arthur (1881-1885)
Him, too.

Favorite food: Mutton chops.

36. John Tyler (1841-1845)
Him, too.

Favorite food: Sally Lunn. (It’s the name of a teacake. We think. … Hey now!)

35. Rutherford Hayes (1877-1881)
Truly a dope. Stole the election from Sam Tilden and had to take the Oath in private for fear of public rioting at the inauguration.

Favorite Food: Roast Beef.

34. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893)
Booooorrrrrrrr-ing. ... See his grandfather (No. 6).

Favorite Food: Fish chowder.

33. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857)
Man, in the 19th Century it was pretty much “Lincoln and Jackson and pray for rain,” wasn’t it?

Favorite food: Boiled lobster.

32. James Monroe (1817-1825)
They named a doctrine after him or something. Or maybe I’m simply confusing him with somebody else. (See No. 11.)

Favorite food: Gumbo.

31. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837)
Fell 25 rankings from the last time I did one these polls back in 1978 for the sole reason that I’ve since learned that I had him confused with the guy nicknamed “Stonewall,” which I’m sure we all agree that this is a pretty damned cool nickname whether you’re 7 or 37. “Old Hickory” is OK, I guess. …

Was first president to have his wife accused of past bigamy by the press. (And they were right!)

Was one of our most influential chief execs, but it’s going to take me a while to get over the fact that he’s not “Stonewall.”

Favorite Food: Roast leg of pork.

30. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850)
Got elected because he was a war hero or something.

Favorite food: Crabmeat on shells.

29. Ulysses Grant (1869-1877)
Him, too.

Favorite Food: Roman punch. (What is this? A food? A drink?)

28. Dwight Eisenhower (1953-1961)
Him, too.

Favorite Food: Quail hash. (Tastes like chicken.)

27. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853)
Every time I see his name I think of reading the Sunday funnies as a kid, and there, toward the back with the tire ads was “Mallard Fillmore.” I didn’t really follow it, but I thought Mallard Fillmore was a hilariously funny name. I still chuckle about it.

Favorite food: Roast capon.

26. Richard Nixon (1969-1974)
Honestly, when I watch a TV show or movie that includes someone wearing a Nixon mask while performing a bank robbery, it just makes my week.

Favorite food: Beef Wellington.

25. Warren Harding (1921-1923)
Women and the press loved him. Died of a stroke midway through his term. His administration was the reason why most of us were forced to learn about the Teapot Dome Scandal back in high school History.

Favorite food: Roast filet mignon with sherried mushrooms.

24. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993)
Never really looked at Dan Rather the same way after Poppy got through with him. And we never really looked at Poppy the same way after he wet his pants with excitement over the technological improvements at grocery stores.

Might or might not be true, but it’s entirely possible he hated Dubya’s presidency even more than the rest of us did.

Favorite food: Broiled steak with baked potato.

23. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)
A popular, small-government conservative who restored public confidence in the White House. He pretty much was what Reagan fanatics mistakenly believe what Reagan was.

Presidency was tarnished somewhat by the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927 when Coolidge basically reacted in the exact same fashion as What’s-His-Name did after Hurricane Katrina.

Favorite food: Baked beans.

22. William Taft (1909-1913)
The only president to weigh more than 300 pounds. The last president to wear facial hair. Was also the only former president to serve on the Supreme Court.

Favorite food: Lobster Newberg.

21. Gerald Ford (1974-1977)
A vice president and president, and never won an election for either office. Because of this man I can look my slightly-above-average children in the eyes and honestly say, “Yes, play your cards right and be a nice guy and someday you, too, can be President of the United States of America. Or at least play Big Ten football."

Favorite food: Spaghetti and meatballs.

20. James Polk (1845-1849)
Often listed between eighth and 12th in most of these types of rankings. Greatly expanded the geographic size of the country, lowered tariffs, defeated the Mexicans, scared off the British, established a treasury system that lasted for 60 years, and nearly purchased Cuba(!). But I’ll never forgive him for opposing the Wilmont Proviso. Never.

Favorite food: Tennessee ham.

19. William McKinley (1897-1901)
His favorite food was bacon and eggs. This alone will put a man in my Presidential Top 20. Somebody please pass me the toast and jelly!

18. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829)
Took the oath of office on March 4, 1825 with his hand on a book of laws as a symbol of the separation of church and state. Why more presidents don’t do this escapes me. ... Like his old man, served only one term. Like his old man, failed to figure out that you really were not supposed to put political enemies in your Cabinet.

Served in the House after his presidency and is perhaps the only major figure in American history who knew the Founding Fathers and Abraham Lincoln.

Favorite food: Baked codfish pie.

17. Lyndon Johnson (1963-1969)
He tried. He really did.

Favorite food: Chili.

16. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989)
Right man at the right time. Inspired millions of white people to be proud to be Americans again. Does it matter that the Soviet Union would have collapsed even if he weren’t president? Nahhhhhhhh.

Favorite food: Broiled swordfish with lemon butter.

15. John Adams (1797-1801)
That was a nice job by A-Bart’s kid in that HBO miniseries. A NICE job. Almost made us completely forget what a pompous ass Adams was.

Favorite food: Baked salmon.

14. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981)
I don’t care what anyone says, he was wicked smaht.

Favorite food: Brunswick stew with buttermilk biscuits.

13. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)
Him, too.

Favorite food: Roast turkey with cornbread stuffing.

12. Harry Truman (1945-1953)
The original Decider. The Japanese never quite looked at us the same way again. He (and we) can thank David McCullough’s 1992 biography for Harry’s rehabilitated modern image.

Favorite food: Tuna noodle casserole.

11. George W. Bush (2001-2009)
The most fanatical of the GOP apologists claim history will vindicate Bush and Cheney just as it exonerated Truman and Marshall. So let’s pretend for a moment that they’re correct. (Scary, huh?)

Favorite food: Tacos.

10. Josiah Bartlett (1999-2007)
His great-grandfather’s great-grandfather was a signer of the Declaration of Independence. An expert economist. Nearly studied to become a priest.

Granted amnesty to illegal immigrants from the Americas, appointed the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice and first female Chief Justice, negotiated a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine, created millions of new jobs, provided strong support for alternative energy, orchestrated a Social Security reform plan, and dealt with major foreign policy crises in Haiti, Colombia, Bolivia, Equatorial Kundu, India, Pakistan, China, Taiwan, Russia, Iran, Syria, Israel, and Qumar. He got censured. (He got over it). He got shot. (He survived). His youngest daughter got kidnapped. (She was rescued.)

Yeah, I know this was a TV show. But it got me through the Dubya Administration with most of my marbles intact.

Favorite Food: Didn’t like French people, but loved their cuisine, as evidenced by the “Stackhouse Fillibuster” episode.

9. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889 & 1893-1897)
CSPAN ranked him 21st, which probably means he wasn’t all that great and he wasn’t really all that awful. Regarded as a classic liberal, he is the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. Seriously, even Billary couldn’t pull off that trick. That is greatness, my friends.

Favorite food: Turban of chicken.

8. James Madison (1809-1817)
Our shortest president (5-4) and the Red Coats lit the White House on fire on his watch.

But he spoke fluent Latin. Graduated Princeton in two years. Pretty much wrote the Constitution. And the Bill of Rights. And cranked out a good portion of the Federalist Papers. Plus, Dolly was a total babe. This guy had skills.

Favorite food: Williamsburg pound cake.

7. Franklin Roosevelt (1933-1945)
"He lifted himself from a wheelchair to lift the nation from its knees.”

Generally regarded as a lock at No. 3 on these types of lists. But I’ll say this: Having Hitler, Stalin, and Tojo in his foursome turned out to be an advantage. Who’s not going to come out looking great after 18 holes with those guys? And falling asleep at Yalta – or was it Malta? – was a bad job.

But honestly, name one other candidate who could get re-elected even though most of the country expected him to be dead within six months. That too, my friends, is greatness.

Favorite food: Boiled salmon with egg sauce.

6. William Harrison (1841)
“Old Tippecanoe” croaked 32 days after taking office. Honestly, we could’ve used a few more presidents like him. Seriously.

Favorite food: Roast wild duck.

5. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
His face is on Mount Rushmore. They named a genre of stuffed animals after him. And that Panama Canal thing worked out pretty well. And until Gov. Palin ascends to the Oval, he remains the last president who knew how to field-dress a moose.

Favorite food: Roast suckling pig. (And I betcha he ate it with his hands!)

4. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809)
A statesman, architect, archaeologist, horticulturist, inventor, and founder of the University of Virginia.

The tinfoil hats in CSPAN’s poll had TJ listed as seventh. And I know, I know, as a political administrator he had his shortcomings. But gimme a break. Not in the Top 5? He was a thinker – did you READ the Declaration of Independence – not a politician, and he grew to detest the office of the presidency. Honestly, I don’t think his bad mood wasn’t anything modern central-air conditioning could have fixed.

Favorite food: Wine jelly. (Interesting.)

3. John Kennedy (1961-1963)
Big Red Sox fan. And in the early 1960s chicks really dug the long ball, if you know what I mean (wink, wink).

Favorite food: Fish chowder.

2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865)
OK, this is how smart ol' Abe was: After he died they scooped out his brain and weighed it. Just to see if it was bigger than everyone else's.

One of America’s great thinkers and writers, he only had about a year’s worth of formal education. He preserved the Union and freed the slaves, and managed to do this with his crazy wife yapping in his ear.

Abraham Lincoln personifies the values of honesty and integrity, as well as respect for human freedom. And his monument is awesome.

Favorite food: Apples. (As in, how do you like them apples? Or something.)

1. George Washington (1789-1797)
As a lad, he admitted to chopping down the cherry tree and he didn’t blame it on the King or the House Democrats or Rush Limbaugh or the Taliban or the Jews. His favorite food was beefsteak and kidney pie – a MAN’S food – and he used wooden teeth to chew it up with gusto.

Washington is the absolute standard all American presidents and military leaders are measured against.

The historians and perfessers usually save this spot for Ol' Abe, the same way classic rock stations rig it so that Stairway is No. 1 in their Fourth of July Weekend “Firecracker 500” programming. So consider this one of those rare years that Teenage Wasteland (Babba O’Reilly) wins.

Or you can consider this: If the father of your country isn’t even ranked No. 1, how great is your country?

Thank you.

You're laughing

... while I'm nodding. Unless the video gets pulled down. In which case, you're cursing, while I'm laughing.

I'm a born lever puller, me

I was just missing London, sort of, where I've been once for pleasure, and for something like seven weeks for business. But I wasn't missing the Eye or Veeraswamy or the chicken wings at the Japanese place near the Sanderson or even walking through St. James Park on my way to the office from one hotel, or how I'd always try to pick a different route to and from the Sanderson from and to the office. I can remember fondly the feeling I got when someone would ask me directions, and I could help them, but I'm not missing that, or even the feeling of heading in from Heathrow (although with all the traffic on the A4, it wasn't anticipation that was the prominent feeling there).

I'm remembering the ride back to Heathrow. More specifically, I'm remembering the moment the car came up on Harrods. I'd gone with the missus on my first visit there, and it was the last landmark I'd recognize on my way out of town, and the last part of town I'd know I was in. Harrods is in Knightsbrige, and then what? Well, Kensington, but I'd never been in much of it, and not on Brompton Road, which is what the car was taking out of the city. Passing Harrods was goodbye to London, and some kind of forlornness related to whether I'd ever return, even when I knew I'd be back three days later. Maybe on those occasions, it had to do with a return to routine back home. Maybe I was thinking of Veeraswamy, subconsciously, but it was more feeling than thinking.

The feeling is of a piece with my feelings about Amsterdam. I've been there three times -- the last two alone, the first with a "friend" with whom I got along so famously, I opted to spend the last half of our week there alone. Amsterdam was my first trip outside North America, and still kind of envelops my prototype feelings about Europe. And when I decided to treat myself to nine days of vacation, by myself, I decided to spend a couple of days in Paris, and 24 hours in Brussels, having never been in either city -- and five days in Amsterdam. Again. And I was lonely there, and I enjoyed it very much. Maybe most, I like going to the Dam, the big open square in front of the Royal Palace, hard by the Nieuwe Kerk. I always go in winter, and I like to go to Dam Square at night. Short of maybe captivity, I think there must be no easier place to feel alone.

This is all somehow related to how I felt when I started The Suffering Channel, the last story in Oblivion, the last book of DFW's that I had yet to read, and realized I would never begin another DFW book or story in a DFW book again, but I'm not a deep enough thinker to put my finger on how.

Anyway, I wish I were in London. I'd like to get about three orders of those wings.

DFW kills me

I'm reading Oblivion, his last collection of short stories, for the first time. Which means you should be jealous, whether you've already read it or not. Just the beginning of Good Old Neon:

My whole life I've been a fraud. I'm not exaggerating. Pretty much all I've ever done all the time is try to create a certain impression of me in other people. Mostly to be liked or admired. It's a little more complicated than that, maybe. But when you come right down to it it's to be liked, loved. Admired, approved of, applauded, whatever. You get the idea. I did well in school, but deep down the whole thing's motive wasn't to learn or improve myself but just to do well, to get good grades and make sports teams and perform well. To have a good transcript or varsity letters to show people. I didn't enjoy it much because I was always scared I wouldn't do well enough. The fear made me work really hard, so I'd always do well and end up getting what I wanted. But then, once I got the best grade or made All City or got Angela Mead to let me put my hand on her breast, I wouldn't feel much of anything except maybe fear that I wouldn't be able to get it again. The next time or next thing I wanted. I remember being down in the rec room in Angela Mead's basement on the couch and having her let me get my hand up under her blouse and not even really feeling the soft aliveness or whatever of her breast because all I was doing was thinking, 'Now I'm the guy that Mead let get to second with her.' Later that seemed so sad. This was in middle school. She was a very big-hearted, quiet, self-contained, thoughtful girl -- she's a veterinarian now, with her own practice -- and I never even really saw her, I couldn't see anything except who I might be in her eyes, this cheerleader and probably number two or three among the most desirable girls in middle school that year. She was much more than that, she was beyond all that adolescent ranking and popularity crap, but I never really let her be or saw her as more, although I put up a very good front as somebody who could have deep conversations and really wanted to know and understand who she was inside.

Just the tip of the iceberg, of course; then of course he goes off in fourteen different dimensions in ways I never could. If you've never read him, add my voice to those of the masses: Go to the Howling Fantods site and read one of the essays or short stories they link to over there and get started.

Next up: finding WMDs in Iraq. Again.

Think Progress said this better than I will, but I wanted to get a record of it here. Rick Santorum, having capped a brilliant career in gay studies with his work showing that homosexuality and bestiality are the same in the eyes of God, has moved on to the comparatively light subject of Islam. After claiming that Americans know too little about the faith:

The Quran is perfect just the way it is, that’s why it is only written in Islamic.

Trust me: In context, it's even weirder. Plus, you wouldn't understand it anyway, unless you speak Jew.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: the final analysis

The top 12 Beatles songs (subjectively) break down like this:

Magical Mystery Tour: 3 songs
Revolver: 3 songs
Sgt. Pepper: 1 songs
For Sale: 1 song
Past Masters vol. II: 1 song
Abbey Road: 1 song
Rubber Soul: 1 song
The Beatles: 1 song

Obviously, there are issues with the stats; Hey Jude was a single, and so were some of the songs that also were on albums, most notably the songs on Magical Mystery Tour. But we have to work with the data we have.

Let's expand it to the top 25:

Revolver: 5
Abbey Road: 4
The Beatles: 4
Magical Mystery Tour: 3
For Sale: 3
Sgt. Pepper: 2
Past Masters vol. II: 2
Rubber Soul: 1
Help!: 1

Wouldn't have thought Abbey Road would be that well represented. I knew the heavy For Sale representation was coming, but I'm surprised there isn't more from Rubber Soul and Help! Probably worth doing a top 40:

Revolver: 6
Abbey Road: 6
The Beatles: 5
For Sale: 4
Sgt. Pepper: 4
Help!: 4
Magical Mystery Tour: 3
Let It Be: 2
Past Masters vol. II: 2
Rubber Soul: 1
With the Beatles: 1
Yellow Submarine: 1
A Hard Day's Night: 1

Definitely worth noting that there are four more Rubber Soul songs from 41 through 50, which explains a lot. I'm still surprised by Abbey Road, and happy that they went out on top. Help! is more where I expected it, too. But I didn't know Abbey Road would be right there with Revolver. Revolver, I probably knew.

Know what? Let's do down to the point just before where I stop loving songs. That's the top 100, conveniently enough:

White Album: 16
Abbey Road: 12
Sgt. Pepper: 9
Revolver: 8
Past Masters vol. II: 7
Rubber Soul: 7
Magical Mystery Tour: 7
Past Masters vol. I: 6
For Sale: 6
Help!: 5
With the Beatles: 5
Let It Be: 4
A Hard Day's Night: 3
Yellow Submarine: 3
Please Please Me: 2

Thoughts: I bet your list is mostly in that order ... I might have Rubber Soul a little higher than you and Past Masters vol. I, Let It Be, and Please Please Me a little lower ... Most albums flesh out between the top 40 and the top 100 pretty much the same, with the exceptions of the White Album, which explodes; Abbey Road, which continues its dominance; Sgt. Pepper, which I probably rate lower than most (meaning you might have it higher in the top 40, and therefore not growing as much over the next 60 slots); Rubber Soul, which has a real solid great middle; and With the Beatles, which I think I appreciate more than most.

You'll also remember we promised to revisit the songwriter charts. I broke down my bottom half like this:

Paul: 28
John: 26
George: 13
Ringo: 9

Well, here's the top half, unofficial count:

John: 72
Paul: 49
George: 12
Ringo: 0

Not giving Ringo credit for songs John and Paul wrote. I counted these backwards too, and things were pretty even until the end, which means I suspect John dominates the top 25 and 40, if not the top 10. Let's find out:

Top 40
John: 28
Paul: 10
George: 2

Top 25

John: 19
Paul: 4
George: 2

Top 10
John: 7
Paul: 3

But the top 6:

John: 3
Paul: 3

The data speak for themselves.

So that's it, I think. Thanks for exploring this extremely unimportant side of me with me.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: the final countdown

I just want to thank everyone/anyone who's read this far. I've enjoyed it.

12. A Day in the Life (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

I've seen interpretations of the lyrics as portraying mundane daily life, but I'm unconvinced. They're a little incoherent and meaningless. Just saying why this song isn't in the top 10, which surprised even me. Everything else about it, of course, is perfect, and its groundbreakingnesshoodosity cannot be overstated. One of the most perfectly arranged songs ever.

11. Dear Prudence (The Beatles)

The arrangement is spare in parts, and that makes me want to dock it, but it sets up the end so nicely, especially the fullness the piano adds, I'm going to credit them for doing it intentionally. One of the biggest influences on me as an arranger; it just builds so inspiredly.

10. No Reply (For Sale)

Ah, the top 10. No guilt anymore, right? Wrong. This song is so amazing, I *still* feel guilty. The music creates a tone here like they rarely were able to again -- a precursor to Ticket to Ride, in that way. But I think this song is a little more interesting. Not to mention that it took the spurned lover lyrical bit into new (stalker-y) territory.

9. I Am the Walrus (Magical Mystery Tour)

I again am guilty of valuing historical significance over subjective likingness. Although I surely loved this song the first 100,000 times I listened to it. But I love No Reply even now in the second 100,000. The most experimental of their real songs, no?

8. All You Need Is Love (Magical Mystery Tour)

I've read where John used this melody -- often referred to as the "Three Blind Mice" melody -- repeatedly; we're talking about the "Love, love, love" melody (and progression) here. I don't see it, unless people mean all songs with that descending, Dear Prudence-y progression. I want to give this bonus points for John and the band's coming up with it on such short notice, so it could be broadcast as part of a global special, but they did that all the time, didn't they?

7. Nowhere Man (Rubber Soul)

Just enough points for historical impact to keep it above All You Need Is Love, which is saying something. It's maybe the song I think of first when I think of that era of having instruments panned one way and voices the other. In some ways, John's most candid piece of writing, with the possible exception of his contribution in the top two. And the beautiful backing vocals, and the guitar sound so shiny ...

6. Got to Get You Into My Life (Revolver)

The first appearance of those horns, right? Paul's second-best melody of his career, and a vocal performance to match it. That descending progression again in the "Ooh" part. A tastefully timed appearance by that electric guitar. And the wonderful, wonderful fadeout. It was very hard to rate this below the song above it, maybe the most difficult call of this project.

5. Tomorrow Never Knows (Revolver)

Because the top five, I mean, that has cachet, no? Anyway, this might have made top five even if it were a capella. Then again, so should A Day in the Life, right? But what a wonderful vocal, for which we are also crediting George Martin, especially for the stunning second verse. The instrumental 'break' is so perfectly constructed out of so many different parts that could have been arranged differently (by which I mean less effectively). And that awesome vocal fadeout, which makes it every bit the match of Got to Get You Into My Life.

4. You Never Give Me Your Money (Abbey Road)

By far, the biggest surprise of this project for me is this song's not being number three. I mean, before I sat here and thought about it, I wouldn't even have thought about it, you know? This is kind of Paul's analog to Happiness Is a Warm Gun, but more coherent. And it's got those guitar arpeggios. Not the ones at the end that get reprised at the end of the record, though those are awesome too. I'm talking about the ones that sound like chimes, after "Oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go." I think it might be my single favorite Beatle 'part.' It seems like I should have a lot more to say about this song; I love it very much. My one reservation is that I don't think it was produced as well as it could have been. Either I disagree with some of the guitar and keyboard sounds they chose, or they could have been mixed better. I don't think they would disagree with me; there are lots of tics and screw-ups, tons on Sgt. Pepper's alone.

3. She Said, She Said (Revolver)

I'm as surprised as you are. Do other people have this in their top three? It's just really really well produced; the tone and sound are consistent. I love the sound, which has a lot to do with the bassline in the verse and the ... is that a tamboura? Nice feel by Ringo on the "And she's making me feel like I've never been born" parts. The progression for the bridge is just inspired, and I still have trouble figuring out the tempo changes. And then there's the fadeout.

2. Strawberry Fields Forever (Magical Mystery Tour)

It must be my love for John's work that made me try so hard to land this in the top spot. I also think it's a better song than the top song, from a songwriting standpoint. And, of course, I love it, so that's a tough combination to best. I think Norwegian Wood ends up winning for best-conceived lyrics, but the message here, which I read as against closedmindedness, and against thinking you're right all the time, or that there even is a definitive conception of anything, including reality, is my favorite, a more eloquent further exploration of what John was saying in Rain. I find the top song to be a lyrical complement to this song, too. The progression here is better than the top song's; John worked harder in writing this. The song builds so wonderfully in its arrangement. And then of course all the work that went into mixing the "Beatle" half and the "orchestra" half, maybe George Martin's biggest achievement. And props to John, too, for expecting the impossible in that regard; he got it.

1. Hey Jude (Past Masters vol. II)

Not that this doesn't have a nice progression. Not that there isn't a lot of good stuff going on in the first half of this, from the pacing to the harmonies. And not that these aren't some unique lyrics for Paul. But let's be candid: This song is all about the anthemic second half. Four chords (three, really; the first is repeated as the fourth), over and over. This song formed me as an arranger; I've been trying to recreate it ever since. And we'll never know if this song could have taken the top spot without that words-can't-describe vocal performance by Paul in this half. I mean, everything he did (everything he did that stayed edited in, anyway) worked. He was in the zone. I never counted, but I read that the four chords are repeated 17 times. Maybe that's how many it takes, although I'm bouyant from the very second Paul's scream takes us into the beginning of that coda. As long as it takes to fade out, has anyone ever wanted it to end?

* * *

Discuss: These 12 songs would make a pretty cool album, am I right?

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: snake eyes!

Ah, I got nothing ...

24. Getting Better (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

Awesome from the opening notes, supposedly produced by striking the strings of a piano, and recorded to sound different by George Martin. Musically, the verse stays on one note (G, if I'm not mistaken) and is never boring. And again, awesome use of tamboura. Brutally frank treatment in the lyrics, this marked a new plateau in honesty and candor as they moved ever farther away from the 'bubble gum' lyrics.

23. Savoy Truffle (The Beatles)

Ah, the saxes. My God, the saxes. Cool progression, too. And the organ sound is supercool. But the saxes ...

22. Sexy Sadie (The Beatles)

This didn't have much in the way of dynamics either, did it? I honestly think John either was kind of lazy by now or was too focused on the song and not bothering about songcraft or production. Possibly both. But the song is perfection, from the opening piano notes to the descending/ascending/descending progression. I love the way John sang it, too; an excellent performance.

21. Polythene Pam (Abbey Road)

I honestly almost raised it over Ticket to Ride just because of the way John says “Great!” toward the end. But Ticket to Ride’s beat put it over the top. The guitar sounds (and mixing) in this are beautiful, though. In some ways, this is Abbey Road in microcosm.

20. Ticket to Ride (Help!)

I really can't believe this isn't in my top 10. Did any Beatle song create a mood as effectively as this song did? Ringo talked about his drumming in Rain as if he were temporarily possessed, but this might be his most inspired beat.

19. Baby's in Black (For Sale)

It hurts, people. It hurts not to have this in the top 10. If this were purely about singability -- if iPods could only make playlists 10 songs long, and I wanted one of Beatle songs just for singing, this wouldn't just be on the list, it might be the first song picked for it. The harmonies are plotted out, almost stately; they don't move around too much, but they're so great.

18. Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey (The Beatles)

This kind of could have been ranked almost anywhere; more than a lot of other songs, I really had to keep moving it up and asking "Do I like it more than ..." whatever song I'd temporarily vaulted it above. I don't know that I would have guessed it to be so high at the outset. That would have been fun, actually, guessing at a top 10 or 20, giving myself only two minutes or so to compile it. This song is so in-your-face frenetic, which you can tell because someone keeps screaming in between "Take it easy"s.

17. Mean Mr. Mustard (Abbey Road)

Obviously the medleys create ranking problems. I’m pretending they are full-length songs and giving them credit for what else they might have done in that time, assuming it wouldn’t have been just more of the same, like just a third verse and extra chorus – in other words, I’m dividing awesomeness by time and then extrapolating.

This is my favorite of the three pieces: John's voice is superbad, the tambourine comes in at a nice spot, the Moog sounds great, Paul's harmonies in the second verse are spot-on, and the lyrics are tight, yo.

16. Because (Abbey Road)

I have to fight the urge to penalize this song for having so few parts to it, for some reason. Luckily, the singing and mixing are so genius that even a dink like me is floored. The lyrics are great too, if you don't take them too seriously.

15. Rain (Past Masters vol. II)

No other Beatles song sounds like this one, which isn't true of a lot of others. I love the rhythm guitar sound, and what Paul is doing on bass. I love John's vocal, and the production. And I love the message, maybe more than any other song's.

14. Taxman (Revolver)

Which should just about do it for George. If you don't know, that's Paul playing what as far as I know is his best guitar solo in the band's career. By the way, I wanted to vault each of the last four songs over this, but I just couldn't, because of that iconic bassline. That bassline is as influential as anything.

13. And Your Bird Can Sing (Revolver)

OK, remember how I was saying I shouldn't let alternate versions factor into the countdown too much? Well I'm granting myself an exception. The Anthology take of this, where John and Paul can't do a vocal overdub because they're either too high or tripping, could cheer me up no matter how down I was. As for the album version, it's got the great guitar work, and it's so much fun to try to sing along with John (and Paul, when he shows up). Also, the bridge of this might be the first instance where they used their trademark descending chord progression.

* * *

Join us tomorrow for the wrap-up. I might not surprise you with my favorite, but I'll surprise myself with my third-favorite.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: Bar-Mitzvah

Today I am a fountain pen:

36. Let It Be (Let It Be)

The song so good, they named the album after it. George's solo on this shaped me as a guitarist. The surreal backing vocals boosted this above You've Got to Hide Your Love Away.

35. I've Just Seen a Face (Help!)

Kind of the precursor to All Together Now, in that it's in the argument for most singable Beatles song. Is it annoying when I say "great harmonies"? Are you like, Yeah, I *know* it has great harmonies, it's the friggin' Beatles?

34. I Don't Want to Spoil the Party (For Sale)

How is this only 34 when I love this song so much? The melody, and where it goes for the third line of the verse ... the awesome harmonies in the bridge ... the way they change up the beat in the bridge ... the intro and outro ... if this were the best song the Beatles had ever done, they might still be my favorite band. You know what? No way this is 34.

34. If I Fell (A Hard Day's Night)

So John is actually singing the harmony in this, right? The high part's the melody? This was the Beatles' first beautiful song, isn't it?

33. Eight Days a Week (For Sale)

I can't rank this song objectively. I've got summer camp dance memory issues; I don't remember who I was dancing with, but I remember the song. And then they put the alternate takes on the Anthology disc, the ones with the different intros they tried, and that couldn't have been more fun to listen to. When I think of their early hits, their breakthrough hits, I think of She Loves You, and I Want to Hold Your Hand, but this is my favorite, hands down.

32. Help! (Help!)

Help! Sorry. So I try not to give too too many context points, but I do admire this song (and rate it accordingly) knowing what a breakthrough it was for John lyrically. I think I read that he was sorry later he made it so catchy, that it obscured what he was saying, but that's the beauty of the Beatles' work. Maybe by now he'd have come around on that stuff.

31. Across the Universe (Let It Be)

Helped by some of the recently released alternate takes, especially the one with the tamboura in it. Took me a while to appreciate this song. Maybe I just needed to grow up. Maybe ... maybe we've all got a little growing up to do.

30. Sun King (Abbey Road)

Think I underrated it. Can't explain how much I love the "Everybody's laughing" part. Have you heard the backwards version on the Love CD? I think that part works even better backwards.

29. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

The song so good, they ... saw that one coming, didn't you? I became a bigger fan of this track after hearing the Yellow Submarine version, where the guitars are mixed higher up in the chorus.

28. She Came in Through the Bathroom Window (Abbey Road)

See, why did Paul waste time with those other songs when he could write melodies like this? Props to as many Georges as it took to get that guitar sound in the verse.

27. Hey Bulldog (Yellow Submarine)

This is not a luxury; this is a necessity. I can imagine someone thinking this song is just a lark, but it's so joyous (and such a cool riff), the mix is so great, the solo is so great, and the end ... again, I would have overrated a recording of John and Paul pooping in 1969 as long as it sounded like they were having fun doing it.

26. Please Mister Postman (With the Beatles)

It is to my eternal shame that I did not get this into my top 25. I can't look past the fact that the whole song is the same progression, the same four chords over and over again, with no variation. So it's this high for three reasons: the energy, the opening, and maybe the best vocal performance of John's career.

25. I Don't Want to Spoil the Party (For Sale)

There, that looks better, doesn't it?

* * *

Join us tomorrow for this week's long-distance dedication.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: twelve Beatles Beatling

Not a lot of back-and-forth in the comments lately. Let's try to pick it up, people.

48. Twist and Shout (Please Please Me)

Another heroic performance vocally by John; you've likely heard that they cut this record in one day, and this was the last song recorded, after John's voice was shot. Thank God, huh?

47. You Won't See Me (Rubber Soul)

A favorite of mine, this would be higher if the production and playing weren't so choppy. Fun bassline to play along with.

46. Come Together (Abbey Road)

The hook that opens the song (and recurs) is just brilliant producing. You have to be a real student to know which sounds are in the mix, so well do they mesh together. Paul singing the low harmony in a song always puts a hop in my step too. Would've been higher with a more frenetic guitar solo, but I respect them if that's not what they were going for.

45. I'm Looking Through You (Rubber Soul)

Yeah, see, I think I probably like You Won't See Me better, but this is better mixed, if not better played. Once again, I've been unable to restrain myself for giving extra credit for an alternate take, in this case the Anthology cut that begins like it's going to be Magic Bus.

44. Happiness Is a Warm Gun (The Beatles)

So I've been fighting a nagging feeling for a while now that I'm paying more attention to how 'great' a song is when the original premise was how much I liked each song. I'm reconciling this by stating that I like ALL these songs, a lot. I mean, when you're comparing Happiness Is a Warm Gun with Norwegian Wood, you're going to need *something* to differentiate them. So in this case, let me say that, obviously, I love this song, but it's not entirely coherent. And that I bet by the end of the project, I'll be valuing likability over songcraft again.

43. Drive My Car (Rubber Soul)

Not the most complex song, but lots of fun. The harmony at the end of each verse is excellent and unexpected, and the riff is undeniable. It will have its way.

42. Here Comes the Sun (Abbey Road)

One of George's finest. Probably his best song, in my opinion, and I love the Moog experiment he performed on it.

41. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) (Rubber Soul)

In case you were accusing me back around number 46 of not appreciating a tasteful and laid back piece of playing, I think this was maybe George's finest sitar work, despite how much better he surely must have gotten at it in subsequent years. I'm also going to nominate this for best lyrics in a Beatles song right now, just as a hypothesis; we'll see what ends up knocking it off as we move on.

40. Doctor Robert (Revolver)

Sorry, I just like to sing it. Not a big fan of the bridge, but I'll sing that too, just you watch.

39. With a Little Help from My Friends (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

One of the best marriages of Paul's bass playing to a song; he's done better stuff, maybe, but it's unobtrusive here, and really fits in. Some cool theory going into the bridge, the way it hearkens back to the refrain.

38. Cry Baby Cry (The Beatles)

I don't know if I know enough to talk instructively about this song (though why should it be any different?). Lot of interesting things going on, from the arrangement to the piano part to the game you can play wondering how many minutes John spent on the lyrics. You know what song it kind of reminds me of, in a totally-the-opposite kind of way? I'm Only Sleeping. That song's tone and dynamics are constant. This song really builds nicely through its arrangement without relying solely on volume.

37. You've Got to Hide Your Love Away (Help!)

The precursor to Norwegian Wood, this has more feeling, doesn't it? Probably by design. Relatively simple, but no denying it works. You might notice that John is flat on one of his "Hey!"s, but if you've never done so, *you* try hitting them all.

* * *

Still a couple of surprises to come, including a couple of songs that probably aren't in your top 30.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: This one goes to 11

Originality was never big on my list of things to be.

61. All Together Now (Yellow Submarine)

This song isn't catchy, it's infectious. It's contagious. It's communicable. OK, I'm not sure what that means. Plus it's got Paul and John working together, which is always nice. I used to think John was singing "Jump the tree." I'm still not convinced he shouldn't have.

60. You Can't Do That (A Hard Day's Night)

See, I went and said I LOVE Run for Your Life, so now what word am I supposed to use for this song? I love love love this song. The harmony in the bridge -- hell, the melody in the bridge -- is so unexpected. I love the tone of the lyrics too. And the harmonies in the verse.

59. I Saw Her Standing There (Please Please Me)

Awesome opener for the first proper Beatles album. Interesting, too, in that again, John was really the lead singer at that point. And an insecure man. A testament to the song, then, that he made no recorded complaint about letting it lead off. Or did George Martin take that decision out of the band's hands?

58. Every Little Thing (For Sale)

I can't entirely explain why this is so high. It has a lot of what I find appealing in I Don't Want to Spoil the Party, which you might just now be noticing I haven't listed yet. I like the chorus, and when John sings "I will love her forever," well, I get a funny feeling in my tummy.

57. You're Going to Lose That Girl (Help!)

John's vocal vaults this so much higher than it deserves to be. Is there anyone who doesn't love singing this song? Does everyone else sing both the melody and the harmony response, or is that just me?

56. Carry That Weight (Abbey Road)

Yeah, so here we are. The first countdown guy kept this part of the medley together, and probably he was right, but it seemed like the idea was to rank each track. I won't deny that I considered each one in context, but I tried to rank each one individually. The fact that I ended up grouping them so close together likely means I failed. But at least I got to rank each against the other.

In that context, this is the bottom of the three. Of course, how short the song is has something to do with that. Basically, I added points for the anthemic part of the song, but the reprise of You Never Give Me Your Money suffers for being a reprise, although the guitar arpeggios lifted from the same song do not. I ranked it above Get Back, so I don't think I short-changed it, but not as much to recommend it as there is in the other two parts.

55. Golden Slumbers (Abbey Road)

Just a stronger composition overall, even if I like the Carry That Weight line better than any individual part of this track. Why is this soooooo much better than The Long and Winding Road? I can't really figure it out; it doesn't seem so terribly different. I might have to tuck into Alan W. Pollack's study. Great job by Ringo and Paul on the chorus.

54. Revolution (The Beatles)

The rhythm guitar sound they came up with is just awesome. Nice keys, too, of course.

53. A Hard Day's Night (A Hard Day's Night)

They're still trying to figure out that opening chord. Props to John and Paul for the interplay between them as the song transitions from Paul's bridge to John's verse. Just as I am unable to forget hearing some alternate takes and versions of some songs, how can you separate this song from the open of the movie, and the frenetic feeling the whole thing had?

52. Lovely Rita (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

I don't know how much credit I give this song for the sound they got for the opening notes, but it's a lot, for sure. Beautiful sound, and Paul complements it perfectly vocally. I like the chorus a lot too, really the harmonies throughout the song. And the ending.

51. I'm Only Sleeping (Revolver)

I listen to this less and less often these days, but what a great song, what a great bridge, what a cool idea with all the false stops, and how nice a job they did finding a totally different sound for this track. That's a hallmark for this album, isn't it? Maybe even moreso here than on Sgt. Pepper. This, Yellow Submarine, She Said She Said, Got to Get You Into My Life, Tomorrow Never Knows, Taxman ... and that's not to mention all the songs I don't really listen to.

50. The End (Abbey Road)

Great idea, so well executed. It's so much fun to hear them all soloing, with the bonus of George's best lead playing of the band's career, in my opinion. And then the beautiful sentiment at the end, so beautifully done. Paul's "... you make" and George's guitar lick right after ... a lot of the songs, I ranked them where I did for a nice moment, and there really couldn't be a nicer or more fitting moment than that one, from two Beatles who did not get along by that point, to end their release output.

49. Something (Abbey Road)

I might have ranked this lower than The End if The End were a 'full' song. I'm not this song's hugest fan, but I appreciate the excellent melody, and how great that George turned in such a world class bridge, which really is the highlight of the song for me.

* * *

Yup, only 13 songs. With quality like this, we don't have to pad anything. We're really going to mine the middle period on Monday.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: minyan

Get it?

75. I'm So Tired (The Beatles)

I was very surprised I didn't rank this higher. I think one thing this exercise has done is make me see that I really like some songs just because.

74. I Feel Fine (Past Masters vol. I)

What the hell is this doing on this disc? How is it different from Day Tripper and Paperback Writer? I used to really love this song; terrific vocals the whole way through.

73. Paperback Writer (Past Masters vol. II)

Why higher than I Feel Fine? For the production, I guess, the mixing, and the lyrics. I Feel Fine certainly has an argument, and might be more fun to sing.

72. This Boy (Past Masters vol. I)

Christ but he sings the ass off that bridge. He described Yes It Is as a knockoff of this, and I don’t know that that song is inferior to this one, but he definitely puts more energy into the bridge.

71. All I've Got to Do (With the Beatles)

I love the dynamics of this song; the way the verses are so languishy, and the bridge or chorus or whatever it is so energetic. Credit John's vocal and Ringo's drumming, I think.

70. I'm a Loser (For Sale)

I am sure I'm underrating this. Such a great song. If it weren't sandwiched between two even better songs, who knows where I might have put it?

69. Within You Without You (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

Songcraft wins out over singability. I mean, hands down I like I'm a Loser much better than this. And I'm not too crazy about George's vocal here. But you've got to admire what they did in that studio.

68. Baby You're a Rich Man (Magical Mystery Tour)

Discovered it late, and still haven't listened to it too much, which helps. It's good to still have songs like that.

67. Get Back (Let It Be)

A shining jewel on this album. But why is Paul the only one who looks like he's having fun playing it? Even Ringo looks like's he's a session player.

66. Revolution 1 (The Beatles)

I like the production. Might go on just a little too long, but that befits its tempo, maybe. Some people seem to think John's "... out ... in ..." is a copout, but I think it's eloquent.

65. Run for Your Life (Rubber Soul)

LOVE this song. Awesome guitar sound, and nice chorus harmonies. Superfun to sing. Tough to explain the lyrics to a 3-year-old, though.

64. Back in the U.S.S.R. (The Beatles)

Helped immensely by the "Back in the U.S.- Back in the U.S.-" stutter part, which I still haven't figured out.

63. Fixing a Hole (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

My first instinct is to say I've underrated this song a great deal, but I just scanned the ones above it and no, there really are 62 songs arguably even better than this one. This song seems like Paul is fighting the demons that made some of his songs a little hokey and old-timey; do the opening notes and the "Really doesn't matter if I'm wrong I'm right" parts much match the verse and the "Silly people" parts? What would I think of this song if it were all like the latter and not like the former?

62. It Won't Be Long (With the Beatles)

Could this be the most underrated of all Beatle songs ever (by others, not by me)? Does anyone even have this album who doesn't have all the Beatle albums? Is this song the best album opener of all time? What would I give to sound like John does here? How much worse would my mood be today if they hadn't started selling Cadbury Creme Eggs by now? These are all good questions. Rare personal note: Played this last night with the 3-year-old, and watching him try to time Paul and George's "Yeah!"s is just the right amount of fun to have at your kid's expense. Any more would be inhumane, like that redneck who filmed his kid freaking out from the anesthetic at the dentist.

* * *

Join us tomorrow, when we examine whether Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End should be broken up or not -- or even if they can. Watch with delight as I come up with two different answers! It will astound and amaze you.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: number nine ... number nine ...

Obvious to you, perhaps, but I just thought of it after writing the last post.

90. Old Brown Shoe (Past Masters vol. II)

A throwaway for many, I'm sure, maybe even for George, but always a minor favorite of mine. Underrated solo, too.

89. Day Tripper (Past Masters vol. II)

This song is more than its riff. The song structure is admittedly a little weak, but the vocal performance is terrific.

88. Lady Madonna (Past Masters vol. II)

We could almost knock off this whole disc here, no? Anyway, I'm trying not to do this, as I think I mentioned, but I probably rated this a little higher than I would have were I taking only the final cut into account. I can't help it; I've heard some of the alternate versions and takes, and some of them, especially the one with the dynamite sax solo, make me look upon this song a little more kindly. There's another one of these coming.

87. The Word (Rubber Soul)

I'm not sure; this is either the first song where I thought How can this be only No. 87?!? or the first song I reevaluated strongly due to this exercise and came to a radically different conclusion. Which is to say, I always enjoy this song a lot, but I had to admit it wasn't as good as a lot of other songs.

86. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

You bounder! You cheat! What can I say? As with some other songs, I concede its greatness (and rarely skip it) but don't love it. I also might have issues with either the mixing or the choices they made for some of the guitar/organ sounds. Points for what John does with his voice in the bridge.

85. Yellow Submarine (Revolver)

Not much point talking about this song. I'll say only that it's this high thanks to the great chorus harmonies. Was listening to it this weekend, and there were times I thought Ringo and the others were switching back and forth as to who was singing the melody and who the harmonies.

84. Yes It Is (Past Masters vol. I)

If it was a surprise to rank The Word so low, this one actually hurts. I love this song. The bridge is so awesome in so many ways. And I like the guide vocal version on the Anthology CD single, where John goes silly.

83. Penny Lane (Magical Mystery Tour)

Flawless execution, and a great song, and I do like it; I just never reach for it. Very nice vocal that's fun to sing, though.

82. Money (With the Beatles)

John's vocal is so charismatic and propulsive that it actually plays tricks on my mind; when I play this, I expect it to be more raw and hardcore instrumentally, because that's how I remember it. Good harmonies too.

81. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (The Beatles)

Lady Madonna's half-sister. There's an alternate take with a really full-bodied acoustic guitar featuring prominently, and either that take or another has more sax in it than the album cut, and I can't really discount that no matter how I try.

80. Two of Us (Let It Be)

Why? I don't know. And I don't care if it's really about Yoko or Linda or whoever it's supposed to be out. In my mind, this song represents something, and no matter how simple, it's well done.

79. She Loves You (Past Masters vol. I)

I am certainly giving this one greatness/breakthrough points; I listen to the songs we've already covered today far more frequently. But I listened to it a lot once -- too much, I guess -- and haven't soured on it, just tired of it.

78. It's All Too Much (Yellow Submarine)

It is too much, or at least a little too long, and I'm not sure how coherent it is, but it's always held a soft spot in my heart -- the harmonies, the weird drum sound, the psychedelic electric guitar sound, the harmony, the horns ... I read on a bootleg site yesterday that there's actually an eight-minute version.

77. Martha My Dear (The Beatles)

I like this a lot. He meant this. I don't know what he meant for sure, but he definitely meant it more than some of the more widely known stuff. Maybe the similarly styled songs of his that I don't like were just him going to the well one time too many.

76. Rocky Raccoon (The Beatles)

Another song that was fun when you first heard it and you never forgot it. This song is unique in some ways.

* * *

So there; we've crossed into the material that I love. Some of my favorites coming up tomorrow, although I imagine I'll be writing that every day from here on in.

Little advice

I've never experienced writer's block, but if any of our readers have, here's a sure cure: Take some melatonin. You'll be writing all kinds of weird stuff in no time.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: IIX

One time, at the start of a gig, a friend of the singer's either felt compelled or was conscripted to introduce us. I don't remember all of his introduction -- it was funny, but lengthy, and I eventually cut him off, concerned no one had told him we had limited time for the set -- but I'll never forget the beginning: "These guys ... these guys are not my favorite band ..." It was funny, and it was said with love.

That's kind of how I feel when I look at today's set. These songs ... these songs are not my favorite songs ... but they're so much fun. Again I'm struck by how your 100th-favorite song by a band can be so much fun.

106. When I'm Sixty-Four (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

This song ... OK, enough of that. But my fondness for this song comes 75 percent from whatever they did to John's voice, and how the harmony of that line works. (George again gets a nice part.) The other quarter comes from how much my kid enjoys when it comes up during the Yellow Submarine film, but I promised myself I wouldn't overdo the personal-life shtick.

105. Good Morning Good Morning (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

It seems preposterous, but with the exception of John's voice when he's singing balls-out, I am unable to think of a Beatle 'sound' I enjoy more than the crunchy saxes. I know he wasn't fond of this song, but he was missing out. Damn lyrics aren't everything.

104. She's a Woman (Past Masters vol. I)

I'm not entirely sure what Paul's trying to do with his voical here; it never struck me when I listened to this song all the time 12 years ago, but it's kind of strange, isn't it? He must have been imitating someone.

103. We Can Work It Out (Past Masters vol. II)

This kind of marked the end of the transition from the early period to the middle period for me. I mean, first of all, it backed Day Tripper (in the UK; in the U.S., it was the A-side). Second, it was released in between Rubber Soul and Revolver. The only Rubber Soul single released in the U.S. after We Can Work It Out was Nowhere Man. And the next single was Paperback Writer/Rain, so clearly they were firmly into the middle by then. Not my favorite track, this, but it does mark the end of the early period, where the music sometimes had this infectious upbeat energy that I think it rarely if ever had again.

102. Ballad of John and Yoko (Past Masters vol. II)

I really have no idea why I like this song as much as I do. The part where John sings "Think!" is pretty awesome, though.

101. Baby It's You (Please Please Me)

John's vocal is meant to be tender but just sounds earnestly -- and endearingly -- goofy. Nice moment right at the end of the verse where they go all-out vocally. Doesn't have much to do with the Beatles, but Smith did a fascinating thing where they recreated that effect, but with the whole ensemble, not just the vocals. If anyone knows how I can get my hands on that track without buying the whole disc, hit me up.

100. I Want to Hold Your Hand (Past Masters vol. I)

More fun, and a big breakthrough, of course, but this song hasn't been the same for me since high school, when a band I was in would play "Just What I Needed" by the Cars and it turned out to have the same progression in the verse. That wasn't the problem, though; the problem was that our singer, who otherwise did a fine job, sounded like Henry Kissinger when he sang that song. (No bet on what I sounded like playing guitar.) So now that Bminor-y chord that's the fourth and eighth lines of the verse (in I Want to Hold Your Hand) saps some of the appeal of the song. Probably you had to be there. If my 100th-favorite song wasn't going to be one I loved, I'm glad it could be one so iconic. Because, you know, the Beatles still desperately need me to make their case for them.

99. Blue Jay Way (Magical Mystery Tour)

I might have overrated this; I'm into it right now.

98. Magical Mystery Tour (Magical Mystery Tour)

The album is uneven as anything, and we won't even talk about the film, but the song goes to some nice places. Has it been established who's singing the first verse? Sounds like Ringo and John together to me.

97. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise) (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

I really like Paul's vocal here; it makes this song much more interesting than it deserves to be. The thought and effort are apparent.

96. Helter Skelter (The Beatles)

This song moved around the rankings some before settling here. Doesn't benefit from repeated listens, but you have to respect the things that gave it such impact the first time you heard it. I didn't like Paul's late screamers much, or his screaming on the later songs, but he's great here. And the riff in the chorus is aces, the guitar sound prefiguring AC/DC by seven years.

95. I'm Down (Past Masters vol. I)

I normally don't go in for 12-bar blues unless Hendrix is involved, but a fun track. There's something about the lead vocal that's not perfect, and it's cute. And John's playing the organ with his elbow ... what evokes the fun period better?

94. Blackbird (The Beatles)

I mean, sure, I like the song. But can we all admit that this wasn't his best vocal performance?

93. Glass Onion (The Beatles)

Great use of strings. My take, unless I stole it from the original countdown guy: John was trying to talk people into taking his lyrics less seriously. I love "Listen to me." Oops; I just checked, and I did steal that from the first countdown guy, although he researched his piece, so he might have gotten it from someone else. Kind of like the Beatles!

92. Bad Boy (Past Masters vol. I)

Discovered this late, and never lost the sense memory of hearing for the first time this or any other song where John sings like this.

* * *

Tomorrow's set should see some genuine affection creeping in, after we dispense with a couple more songs that many others love but I just like.

Why did no one tell me about this?

I totally would have put one of these in my yard.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: se7en

We got Eleanor Rigby out of the way, so you must have some idea of what's coming today. I won't make you wait long for it.

120. I Will (The Beatles)

This song, Blackbird, Rocky Raccoon (well, half of it), Mother Nature's Son, Honey Pie ... am I wrong, or is the McCartney stuff from the White Album more "solo" than anyone else's? The rest of the band were clearly necessary for Dear Prudence, Happiness is a Warm Gun, Savoy Truffle, Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey ... but a lot of Paul's stuff sounds like demos. Weird, as he gets the rep for trying hardest to keep the band together.

By the way, I love Paul McCartney. That maybe wasn't clear.

119. Yesterday (Help!)

And there it is. Why? I don't know. Just not fun to sing, listen to, think about ... maybe I'm just not very deep. A musical hedonist.

118. The Night Before (Help!)

Nice vocals by everyone on this. As with other songs from this album and A Hard Day's Night, maybe not the strongest track, but benefits from the material around it, instead of getting shown up by it.

117. I'll Be Back (A Hard Day's Night)

Major/minor/major/minor. And it works! This in some ways typifies how I think of the early Beatles. John was clearly the lead singer, and Paul did harmonies when they thought he should. I know he sang plenty, and they sang plenty together, but look at this album, for example. How many of the songs did John sing? He dominated all or parts of 9 of the 13 songs.

116. Tell Me Why (A Hard Day's Night)

The first of the really great songs on this album. The music isn't much, but the vocals from everyone are just superb. I really think Matthew Sweet must have listened to this and to With the Beatles a lot.

115. It's Only Love (Help!)

So John later said he didn't like this song very much. And it's maybe a bit corny. But there's something genuine in the chorus. And I would listen just for the way he sings the words "to make it up girl".

Speaking of John saying he didn't much like this song: I was watching A Hard Day's Night yesterday, and I figured out why it bugs me. It occurred to me during the film-ending 'concert' medley. More specifically, during the 'performance' of I Should Have Known Better. If you watch John singing it, his smile seems forced. And maybe this isn't fair; I could be wrong, and there could be other reasons for the smile seeming forced -- oh, I don't know, the idea of spending a day lip-syncing comes to mind. But when he poo-poos the material, you start wondering Did he like any of it? Certainly the simpler, earlier songs? Was he just being mercenary about it, not writing what he liked but what he thought would sell? It brings out the cynic in me.

114. Love Me Do (Please Please Me)

Great song? No. But as a first song? Sweet. George Martin didn't like it, not as a single, and the Beatles rarely mined this Everly vein again, but it's the perfect opener for them; one of the other strong songs from this record might have raised the bar too high, and shown up some of the filler.

113. Can't Buy Me Love (A Hard Day's Night)

Just blues, man. Great vocal performance by Paul. George Martin was big into starting hits with the chorus.

112. Long Tall Sally (Past Masters vol. I)

Christ but Paul could sing, no? And he made it seem so effortless.

111. Don't Let Me Down (Past Masters vol. II)

Lots of writers refer to three-chord songs. They usually mean the verse has only three chords, or the chorus does. This song has three chords.

I tend not to favor John's simpler later compositions. He was moving in a more direct direction, and I respect that. But I think he did himself a disservice in interviews in later years, acting like It's Only Love wasn't any good, and Run for Your Life was filler, and why were they always messing in the studio with his songs, like Strawberry Fields Forever and Tomorrow Never Knows? Yeah, 'cause I'm sure the first time he heard Tomorrow Never Knows, he thought it was 'alright.' He was blown away by it! *Everyone* was blown away the first time they heard that song. Not to mention, John wanted it even weirder. Oh, OK, I guess John didn't show up in the studio saying he'd accidentally played Rain backwards as he was passing out the night before, and could they do that on the cut. Probably he wanted to do I Am the Walrus with only a single kazoo for accompaniment.

110. Rock and Roll Music (For Sale)

Follows No Reply, I'm a Loser, and Baby's in Black. I mean, can you imagine if they weren't cutting two albums plus however many singles a year back then, if they could have done all originals? The originals on this album are unreal. Fortunately, he had that voice, so even if he was singing someone else's song, he made it sound like this.

109. I'll Get You (Past Masters vol. I)

Might have rated this this highly solely for what little harmony is in this song -- the "I've imagined I'm in love with you" line and the bridge. Mostly that one line. People who ignore the early stuff are missing out.

108. Love You To (Revolver)

I'm bad, skipping around on this album, but I should listen to this more. The harmony is awesome, and I can't hear him sing "I'll make love to you" without laughing; he sounds so much like the master of all he surveys.

107. One After 909 (Let It Be)

Nice swing. I might not be able to explain why I like this song this much. It might actually benefit from being on a weaker album.

106. I've Got a Feeling (Let It Be)

More for John's part, and the part where each sings his part at the same time, than for Paul's part.

* * *

We've kind of knocked off the middle-grade stuff from Please Please Me, With the Beatles, A Hard Day's Night, For Sale, Help!, Revolver, the White Album, Yellow Submarine, Abbey Road, and Let It Be. You can be sure that tomorrow we'll be doing the same for the Past Masters discs, Magical Mystery Tour, and Sgt. Pepper.

Super Bowl 'thought'

I would like to see the great Springsteen.

Question: Why does a man ask me to kill him and lie about dying when he's not really dying he asks me to kill him? Question:

How am I to feel when the Chasids spot me and peg me on the street?

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: Dallas 24, Miami 3

So somewhere in today's list we hit the point where I genuinely like all the songs. I thought it might be instructive to tally composer credits up to that point, for comparison with composer credits past that point. Unfortunately, I lack the time, energy, and other resources to research who truly wrote each song, so I'll just pretend whoever wrote it sang it. John deserves credit for singing Please Mr. Postman, doesn't he? So, the results for the lesser material:

Paul: 28
John: 26
George: 13
Ringo: 9

And now? On with our countdown.

135. She's Leaving Home (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

I know this song is revered, but I would probably skip over it if not for John's vocal.

134. Mother Nature's Son (The Beatles)

I don't know how this is different from some of the Paul songs that bother me, but it is. I think he's hurt by how insincere he seems. Not that he isn't allowed to play characters. But his all seem fakey, where John put some of himself -- or at least some of his craziness -- in his songs. When he's singing about someone creepy, he's exposing his inner creep. Paul is exposing his inner 4-year-old girl playing dress-up.

Or is that too harsh?

By the way, if you haven't caught it, seek out Colbert's interview of Paul. I've never seen someone seem so feeble-minded and so quick at the same time.

133. Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill (The Beatles)

Likes: When John tells us children to sing. Dislikes: Yoko.

132. Only a Northern Song (Yellow Submarine)

Well, we're in. I genuinely like everything from here on in, and probably as far back as Bungalow Bill. Tha's amazing. Ten discs' worth. I couldn't make 10 albums of material that I liked, much less anybody else.

131. For You Blue (Let It Be)

I always had a soft spot for this and for Old Brown Shoe, which also maybe had something to do with discovering them relatively late. But I dig 'em.

130. Hold Me Tight (With the Beatles)

So much to love here, from Paul's energy in the vocals to the descent in the "chorus," to whatever effect he's going for in the bridge; we don't have to know what it is to laught at it. I'll be candid, a song can be helped some by the album it's on, too. With the Beatles didn't have so many standouts, so if I liked a song on it, I maybe liked it more than you might.

129. Kansas City/Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey (For Sale)

More for the Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey part. The vocals by everyone on that couldn't be better.

128. I Want You (She's So Heavy) (Abbey Road)

You might be thinking I've ranked this a little low. Well, I might be thinking I could have used a little less of it. To be honest, Ringo really saves it from a worse fate.

127. Thank You Girl (Past Masters vol. I)

Harmony. I remember listening to this disc whenever I drove to job interviews in the mid-1990s. Maybe I ranked this song higher because I remember listening to it en route to interviews, but maybe I listened to it en route to interviews because I liked it so much.

126. Any Time at All (A Hard Day's Night)

Another way a song can benefit from the record it's on: I like this album enough that I'm disinclined to skip much. It's a very even disc. If you graphed it, it'd make for an almost straight line.

125. I Call Your Name (Past Masters vol. I)

John's vocal -- not the melody, just his vocal -- saves this from a lower ranking.

124. The Inner Light (Past Masters vol. II)

I like George's vocal here. And I know I said I don't give much extra credit for lyrics, and I don't here, but there's an effect from them, something you get from them subconsciously without even having to process them on the surface. Am I making any sense here?

123. Things We Said Today (A Hard Day's Night)

I like the harmonies, and I like the bridge, Paul's melody in it. Otherwise, not my favorite song from this album.

122. Another Girl (Help!)

The verses and chorus are fun, and possibly even funny. But I really love where it goes in the first half of the bridge.

121. You Really Got a Hold on Me (With the Beatles)

This was once a favorite of mine. I probably would like it again if I listened to it more. I'm pretty sure I was singing George's part in the harmonies; he really was given some fun parts.

* * *

Join us on Monday, when I'm almost certain to ask "Can you believe this isn't in my 100 favorite songs by them?"

Ranking the Beatles my damn self V: one for the thumb

I highly recommend this exercise for every avid Beatles fan. Not the blogging; I certainly wouldn't steal the first guy's idea so blatantly if I thought more than two people were watching. No, just the ranking. It's very fun to see both the sliding scale -- the way you can go from a song you'd never think to listen to purposely up 20 songs to one you listen to a lot but don't love without even noticing the jump -- and the gradations: Starting with this song, I never skip, or this song marks the beginning of where I start having emotional attachments for songs.

150. Piggies (The Beatles)

Be honest; were you waiting for it? Were you thinking Man, he likes Piggies better than Eleanor Rigby? (Answer: yes.) This song has some charm for me, but doesn't cry to be heard more than a couple times a year. What's funny is how many better songs he was working on, and even demo-ing for the band, at the same time. Instead of this, we could have had half of All Things Must Pass, or even Sour Milk Sea, which I like a lot.

149. I Me Mine (Let It Be)

Has its moments, but too whiney. Why you gotta be such a downer, man?

148. In My Life (Rubber Soul)

Probably you saw this coming too. It's a good song, no doubt, but it must be composed around some scale that doesn't do much for me. It should be obvious by now, too, that I am not factoring lyrics in very much for this countdown. I like a nice pair of lyrics, and they can definitely add a lot to a song that's also otherwise strong, like Strawberry Fields Forever. But to the people who say the lyrics make this a good song, I say no, the song isn't good enough to be helped that much by the lyrics, which I don't think are so groundbreaking anyway.

147. Dig It (Let It Be)

I guess for some of these, I need to start justifying why I've ranked them this high, rather than so low. I'm kind of a sucker for late-period stuff where the guys, especially John, seem to be having fun. Hell, I'd put Los Paranoias higher than In My Life.

146. Oh! Darling (Abbey Road)

Could have used one less run through the bridge and verse. The Beatles were who taught me you don't need three verses. I wish they had followed their own example here.

145. Maggie Mae (Let It Be)

*Sigh.* Yes, higher than In My Life. See the notes for Dig It.

144. I'll Cry Instead (A Hard Day's Night)

There are a lot of songs like this on this album; they're so similar in tone, it's remarkable I didn't rank them all next to each other. This is one of the weaker of the bunch, but still eminently listenable.

143. Dig a Pony (Let It Be)

Very strong vocal performance here. Did John play the solo? I'm not good with that stuff. A nice George solo would have lifted this even higher.

142. Maxwell's Silver Hammer (Abbey Road)

OK, so between you and me, I kind of like this song. But the backstory of how many takes of it Paul forced the band through drains something from it for me. Also, this isn't so involved a song. Why were so many takes desired? I don't think I've heard them; were they significantly different, like the ones for Lady Madonna and Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da?

141. Slow Down (Past Masters, vol. I)

I'm serious; before 1964 or '65, all I really require is John singing like his scrotum was on fire or something. I'm simple like that.

140. Her Majesty (Abbey Road)

Silly, but admittedly catchy.

139. Little Child (With the Beatles)

Seriously, I'd like to talk to George Martin about this. What were they doing to his voice, beyond double-tracking it? And could they still do it to mine?

138. When I Get Home (A Hard Day's Night)

Early Beatle funk, and if I knew more theory, I could tell you what John was doing with the melody that was so effective. I also enjoy the last three track titles on this record: When I Get Home, You Can't Do That, and I'll Be Back -- all kind of menacing, even if only the middle one follows through on the threat, lyrically.

137. Till There Was You (With the Beatles)

Surprisingly fun to sing. I would never skip this.

136. Honey Pie (The Beatles)

On the one hand, harmless. On the other, catchy. This is maybe my saturation point for Paul's hokier stuff. I think this is how other people feel about ALL his stuff.

* * *

We'll pass another marcation tomorrow, as we take on more of the great middle.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: IV

Eleven more albums' worth of material to go. You can expect frequent observations like "10 albums of material better than While My Guitar Gently Weeps!" out of me the rest of the way.

165. Yer Blues (The Beatles)

I am suspect of people who defend this song too vigorously. Although maybe they're just big Lennon fans; this was kind of the precursor to his early solo work, no?

164. Your Mother Should Know (Magical Mystery Tour)

Sometimes I eye this song rather suspiciously, like another McCartney track I detest on this album, but it seems harmless enough.

163. Wait (Rubber Soul)

Not bad for end-of-the-record filler. Good chorus, and I admire that they tried to do something different with the verse, but it didn't work for me.

162. Birthday (The Beatles)

Too dumb.

161. I Need You (Help!)

I usually won't skip this song. Harmonies save it.

160. Mr. Moonlight (For Sale)

I have a soft spot for any song where John is wailing like he is on this song. It's not the greatest-constructed song, but his voice could be a powerful weapon on the first few albums. If you think I've overrated this one, wait 'til you see where I put Please Mr. Postman.

159. Julia (The Beatles)

Ooh! Sacrilege! Just a little too long. Also, for a Beatle to play a song himself -- just his voice and accompanying himself on one instrument, with no overdubs -- well, the material's got to be pretty strong. The main 'riff' of this song is great, but I've been there and done that four seconds into the song. Everywhere else the song goes, I don't feel much urge to follow it.

158. While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles)

Ooh! Sacrilege! I know it's good; I'm not arguing that it's not good. I mean, Mr. Kite, I could argue that it's not good. Not the case here. I just don't seem to want to listen to it much. Dreary. By the way, right about here is the cutoff; anything higher than this, I'll pretty much never skip when listening to the album it's on.

157. I Should Have Known Better (A Hard Day's Night)

This seems kind of like a bizarro I Want to Hold Your Hand; it has the same structure, the same number of twists and turns, but what works in I Want to Hold Your Hand doesn't here. Obviously, at this point, and for a little while now, my criticisms have been expressed to justify low placement, not to say the song isn't any good.

156. From Me to You (Past Masters vol. I)

A stronger song, I think, than Please Please Me, or even Love Me Do. I like it largely because of the bridge. I think if I had been alive and listening to music at the time, it would have seemed like more of the same formula, but in retrospect, it rises in stature.

155. Tell Me What You See (Help!)

Great harmonies, but this song really avoided a worse fate because of the humming at the end. Sometimes four seconds like that can make a song.

I don't listen to this one so much because the bottom of this album is a little skip-around-worthy. But holy crap, what about side 1? I include Ticket to Ride, which I'm sure kicked off side 2 of the LP, but with the magic of CD and mp3, that's seven straight songs without any real temptation to skip. If you can stomach Act Naturally, you can just about make it through the whole album if you want, but those first seven ... I'll have to keep an eye out whether any other album has a stretch that impressive.

154. Anna (Go to Him) (Please Please Me)

Another one from the era where you would listen to John sing the proverbial phone book if they put it on record. Fun to sing.

153. Octopus's Garden (Abbey Road)

Might've overrated this. Doesn't do much for me. But that transition between the verse and chorus is a nice touch -- well arranged.

152. Long, Long, Long (The Beatles)

I wasn't even sure how to rank this. I think I like it, but I never listen to it. Does that make any sense?

151. Eleanor Rigby (Revolver)

Ooh! Sacrilege! I'll skip this every time, although I certainly listened to it enough when I was younger. I'm not saying that this is a great song, and that I'm just burned out on it. I did like it a lot, and I did listen to it plenty, but I think this song's overrated. Good production, but not what I'm looking for in a Beatle song. I'm pretty sure I'm harder on Paul's missteps than John's. Also, looks like I lied about never skipping anything ranked higher than While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Let's say on the greatness scale, this is probably 151, but on the me-likey scale, it'd be lower.

* * *

Join us again tomorrow, when we knock off half of Let It Be and half of Paul's stuff from Abbey Road.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self: return of the king

No idea what that means. Anyway:

180. Boys (Please Please Me)

Easily Ringo's best vocal performance, what with his wobbly start to Yellow Submarine. The backing vocals in the chorus are pleasingly manic. I think George really added a lot to the Beatles' early backing vocals, before he got all serious. I mean, he added a lot after that, too, but the early stuff was different, and he stands out on more of it, I think.

179. I'll Follow the Sun (For Sale)

I kind of liked this when I first started getting really into the album, but now I can't remember why.

178. What Goes On (Rubber Soul)

Thought it was on Help! And yup, that's about the most interesting thing I have to say about it.

177. Matchbox (Past Masters vol. I)

What do I enjoy about this song? Um ... Ringo calling himself a puppy dog? Ah, I got nothing.

176. For No One (Revolver)

I didn't like this song before I heard 30 takes of monitor mixes of it.

Which brings us to a point I probably should address. I wanted very much to limit the criteria to the LP performances. But the list measures how much I like each song, and sometimes I like a song a little more because I've heard some alternate version or multiple takes of it. I'll mention it when applicable, to try to support my case for liking the song more than the one preceding it, but I also try not to weight that too much. For No One would probably be here no matter what.

175. You Know My Name (Look Up the Number) (Past Masters vol. II)

Another factor for some of these songs: scarcity. Now, of course, anyone serious about the Beatles can hear this song. But back in the day, you might have come late to Past Masters II. It seems incomprehensible to me now, given how many great songs are on it, but I didn't buy the disc until college, or maybe even afterward, so this song was still a little fresh. And, given how infrequently I listen to it, it still is.

174. Girl (Rubber Soul)

I'll be honest; I don't like any of the three slow hits on this record very much.

173. What You're Doing (For Sale)

Wow, this album really tapers off at the end, doesn't it? First record that doesn't end with something exciting.

172. Act Naturally (Help!)

Back when I still listened to albums all the way through, I did not skip this one. I'm looking over the track listing now, and I'm wondering if there's an album I would skip through less of than this one. A Hard Day's Night and For Sale would also probably be high on that list. This song is this high solely because Paul's backing harmony is superfun to sing alone in the car.

171. Dizzy Miss Lizzie (Help!)

I think at this point the Beatles were still trying to pace their albums as if they were concerts, which is why Twist and Shout, Money, and this song are closers. This would seem to be the last time they did so.

170. Think for Yourself (Rubber Soul)

Another song that makes me skip for the first time for that disc. This might be the last song by George (chronologically, I mean, not on this list) that I didn't like at least a little. OK, fine, I looked; I'm not so crazy about I Want to Tell You, either.

169. Michelle (Rubber Soul)

Yup, take this and Girl off the record and it would have been a lot better. Fine, I'll spill it; the third song I'm not a big fan of is In My Life. Please don't tell anyone.

168. Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite (Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

I mean, does this make me a bad person? Does it? A dreary song. I respect the experimentation, but that doesn't mean I have to listen to it, does it? There's only one song on the whole countdown that I'll rate higher out of respect to the production rather than solely based on how the song goes.

167. Words of Love (For Sale)

Got the album on the second try. This would actually be an excellent drinking game. I don't think this song really does anything, or even really tries, but the harmonies are kind of pleasant, nu?

166. If I Needed Someone (Rubber Soul)

I think this song suffers for having such a cool opening riff. The guy who did the rankings that inspired these posts here felt the same way about Day Tripper. I don't; I think there's enough going in that song to justify the cool riff. But I get his point; Paperback Writer and I Feel Fine are similar riff songs, and both benefit from good melodies. (In fact, when I sing them in my head, those two songs have very similar melodies.) If I Needed Someone is too pedestrian for its opening, the singing too chromatic and unspecial.

* * *

Tomorrow we get to the good stuff, as well as half of the White Album. We'll also turn at least one more sacred cow into hamburger.

Food for thought

... he suspended the writ of habeas corpus, so that obstreperous Marylanders could be arrested and held without trial. ...

On other occasions and in other places he authorized his generals to make arbitrary arrests. Before the war was over, tens of thousands of citizens had been thrown in jail, to stay for weeks and months without written charges or a chance to be heard. Many of these inmates of the "American Bastille" were quite guiltless; comparatively few ever were proved guilty of crime or criminal intent. ...

Richard N. Current, The Lincoln Nobody Knows

Ranking the Beatles my damn self II: the not-as-bad-er-er-ing

We're back at it, counting up to the Beatles song I like best. Embarrassingly, I found a song I missed during the rankings, which conveniently would be ranked in this grouping (No. 195). I'll be changing the total and ranking in the first post accordingly.

At least one more No. 1 hit in this group, and one song I've listened to in the last month:

196. Roll Over Beethoven (With the Beatles)

No, not this one.

195. Devil in Her Heart (With the Beatles)

There really isn't anything here.

194. Hello Goodbye (Magical Mystery Tour)

Goodbye. I really detest this song. It's definitely possible I'm letting public opinion affect my ranking of this one, meaning maybe I should have ranked it lower, but I'd just as soon listen to this as Roll Over Beethoven, so I guess I'm staying true to the concept.

193. Misery (Please Please Me)

Fun to sing. Should never be right next to Hello Goodbye. I must be doing this wrong. Good Day Sunshine, you got lucky this time.

192. Ask Me Why (Please Please Me)

I mentioned that I wouldn't always have something to say, right?

191. Do You Want to Know a Secret (Please Please Me)

If I had to guess what is my second-least favorite album right now, I'd say Let It Be, even if we've only had one song from it so far. I think it says something about their growth between their first and second records that not nearly as much of With the Beatles has been on here.

190. I Want to Tell You (Revolver)

No.

189. Good Day Sunshine (Revolver)

If it's any consolation, we're not far from where I start actively liking songs. We won't have to wait very long before we see For No One, either -- surprising, considering how strong the strongest material on this album is.

188. Don't Pass Me By (The Beatles)

I am trying to remember if I ever liked this song. Further updates as developments warrant.

187. Why Don't We Do It in the Road (The Beatles)

The song didn't say anything. Why should I? Tonto, you better keep reading anyway ...

186. Honey Don't (For Sale)

Hey, I said I like the album. I didn't say it was perfect.

185. Flying (Magical Mystery Tour)

OK, it was this one; I listened to this a week ago. What can I say? It's whimsical.

184. You Like Me Too Much (Help!)

Hey, I said I like the album. I didn't say it was perfect.

183. Please Please Me (Please Please Me)

So obviously, these aren't bad songs. I just tend to skip them. This made No. 2 in the UK.

182. I'm Happy Just to Dance with You (A Hard Day's Night)

I swear, I was just about to say 'You know what album we haven't seen yet?'

181. And I Love Her (A Hard Day's Night)

There was a time when I really liked this song.

* * *

Join us again tomorrow, as we get more chaff out of the way. We'll even start gunning for Sgt. Pepper.

Ranking the Beatles my damn self

Well, when I saw this, my first thought was "Preposterous." My second: "I've gotta do that." And so I did.

This is a ranking of my favorite Beatle songs, in reverse order. Obviously subjective. I'll be candid: A big factor is how much I like to sing each song, which is why I score the great harmonies higher than some might. I also give some weight to historical significance, by which I mostly mean musical innovation. Both of these factors -- singability and breakthroughability -- tend to favor the earlier and middle songs, I think. I also will occasionally vault a song due to a great moment in it. But ultimately, the point is that it's totally subjective -- which songs I enjoy most. I can like No Reply more than Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite if I want to.

So, in reverse order, here we go. The guy whose idea I'm stealing ranked 185 songs, but I have no idea where he got that number. I count 211, not including the German versions of She Loves You and I Want to Hold Your Hand. I'm dividing them into 'albums,' with the worst record first. We'll do a disc each (week)day, and then maybe see if we can learn a little more (about me) from the data. I suspect that we'll learn that I like the For Sale, Help, and Rubber Soul albums more than most people do, and that John is my favorite. He's the dreamiest! I'm eager to hear where you disagree with the rankings, so join the conversation! Both of you!

211. Revolution 9 (The Beatles)

Nothing else really had a chance.

210. Fool on the Hill (Magical Mystery Tour)

More listenable than Revolution 9, but just barely. I know some people like this song, and it's probably insane to list it here, but I will never ever willingly listen to this song.

209. The Long and Winding Road (Let It Be)

Paul's vocal = unintentional comedy = better than Fool on the Hill.

208. Wild Honey Pie (The Beatles)

Higher on the list than the songs before it largely because it's shorter.

207. Not a Second Time (With the Beatles)

Had to look up which album this is on, which means we've left the land of hatred and reached the shores of indifference.

206. A Taste of Honey (Please Please Me)

Um ... I won't always have something to say about each one.

205. P.S. I Love You (Please Please Me)

You'd think a lot of the least faves would come from these first two albums; they were rushed, and had more covers than the others. Let's find out!

204. Don't Bother Me (With the Beatles)

I won't if you won't.

203. Everybody's Trying to Be My Baby (For Sale)

Stunned that this is on For Sale; it was my fourth guess. Needless to say, I stop listening a couple of tunes before this.

202. Chains (Please Please Me)

We've almost reached Neutral. I'll skip this one, but I don't dislike it.

201. I Wanna Be Your Man (With the Beatles)

I do like the madcap harmonies.

200. Here, There and Everywhere (Revolver)

Some people like this, I'm sure. Hey, maybe your mom likes this, huh? Your mom.

199. Good Night (The Beatles)

It's said John, who wrote this song, did a take with him singing, likely to guide Ringo. Unless I get to hear it, the song stays here.

198. All My Loving (With the Beatles)

Nothing wrong with this song. Wasn't it a No. 1?

197. There's a Place (Please Please Me)

Nice moment there on "And it's my mind" when they go someplace musically I'd never have thought of. John said this was the first time he tried to write about himself instead of I-Love-You, You-Don't-Love-Me.

* * *

So there you have it. If this had been their first album, regardless of its lack of coherence, it would have had All My loving, The Long and Winding Road, and Fool on the Hill, which were all popular songs. Plus one for Ringo.

Join us next time, when we'll disparage Paul a little bit and tell George to get his damn tongue out of our ear.

Things I Get Away with at Work, Vol. 1

Coworker: "I think this document is about an internal argument over whether we should invest."
Me: "Well, I've got an internal argument going on in my pants right now, so let me go address that and then we can revisit this."

Postscript: I won. But just barely.

'Thought' on 1.20.09

When it was over, I clapped briefly, not unlike when the national anthem finishes right before a Super Bowl in which the Patriots are playing. We made it this far; now it's time to finish it.

Thoughts before 1.20.09

With Mr. Obama's inauguration so close one can smell it, a much-commented-upon story recently was Bush's polling numbers: a 27 percent approval rating, up, somehow, from previous months. Many writers have deduced that 27 percent of the country are idiots, or some variant thereof.

Those people aren't idiots. Well, I mean, sure, they're idiots, but not because they approve of Bush's work. They don't, really. They're idiots because they voted for him (twice, separating them from the feebs who voted for him only in 2000). That they say they approve of his work doesn't make them idiots. It makes them utterly unwilling or -able to admit they were wrong. They're not alone in that. They're merely entrenched in the face of less controvertible evidence than the rest of us are when we're entrenched.

I once, somewhere around 2003-2004, spent an intellectually stimulating 40 minutes debating a teenage Bush supporter on the guy's job performance. That was the last time I'll do that. I have no interest in arguing the point; anyone who takes the other side of that argument is possibly a real-life troll, and at the very least will never be convinced. Don't waste your breath.

One thing this blog will not do

... is bemoan the state of the news media based on the frivolous stuff they publish. It's the internet, not a news hole, and it's a buffet, people. There's room for a little of everything. All the top stories of the day are covered in great depth somewhere, no space is taken away from them for Police Take Adolf Hitler From His Parents and Michele Bachman Not Planning To Kiss Obama.

*Disclaimer: Above heds taken from front page of huffingtonpost.com. Any suggestion that the Huffington Post qualifies as 'news media' does not necessarily reflect the opinion of management.

Me either

People say the Beatles were great. They weren't so great. They were great in the way that leeches were great, back when leeches were cutting-edge medicine. Now we have thermometers and stuff, and leeches have been relegated to ... well, somewhere, which is where they belong.

So: the Beatles. Half their lyrics were inane and the other half were provably wrong. And since lyrics are half of music -- for half of the song, there's singing -- well, I don't know what percentage of the average Beatles song sucks. I mean, that's a lot of math right there. I didn't come here to do a lot of math. Equations aren't so great either. But it's a lot. From time to time, we'll take a look at a verse or chorus to support this hypothesis.

Today's song: Strawberry Fields Forever:

Living is easy with eyes closed

File this under 'inane'. With your eyes closed, you bump into a lot of crap, and any idiot can walk around bumping into a lot of crap. I wouldn't say we're off to an especially deep start.

Misunderstanding all you see

Misunderstanding is not all you see with your eyes closed. Oh, the great John Lennon never closed his eyes and pressed his hands against his eyeballs really hard until he started seeing stars and stuff? Wasn't he high half the time anyway? If he wasn't seeing stuff with his eyes closed, he was doing it wrong. Cat, you're a Beatle. Have some pride. Get your money's worth, OK? Also, hadn't he taken up with Yoko by this point? Because I would think he'd be an expert on living with his eyes closed by then, if you get my drift.

It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me

Fine. If you can't be bothered, neither can I.

Lotta "s in this one

'Joe the Plumber,' who earned those quotation marks in multiple ways, is in Israel 'reporting' on that war.

“I think media should be abolished from, you know, reporting,” Wurzelbacher said. “You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, ‘well, look at this atrocity,’ well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.”

What's scarier? That he's not the only American to 'think' that, or that he is the only American to think that, and yet he's the one 'reporting' from Israel? I mean, I'm half-paranoid that I don't properly understand the concept of irony, but twenty bucks says whatever the real definition is, 'Joe the Plumber' reporting from war in Israel to say no one should report on war ... that's gotta meet it, no?

'Joe,' by the way, supports Israel in this fight. As if I weren't having enough trouble defending her ...

Question: Why does a man ask me to kill him and lie about dying when he's not really dying he asks me to kill him? Question:

If I walk into the men's room and there's an old guy at the urinal next to me having trouble getting started up, and I end up giving him the equivalent of a jumpstart, shouldn't he thank me? Or, you know, at least wash his hands after?

Fox News hed: 'Palin Says New Parents Levi and Bristol "Working Their Butts Off" '

Dear Palin

Please go away.

Yer pal
troy